The Great Friendship Cull
When much of the world screeched to a halt due to coronavirus lockdowns and people were forced into isolation to avoid spreading the disease, staying connected with one another became more important than ever. At the start, there were numerous group Zoom calls, weekly virtual pub quizzes, big WhatsApp groups in an effort to keep social circles intact. But slowly, over subsequent lockdowns, this changed.
Now, as we emerge out of lockdown, some of us have found that our friendship groups have shrunk to just a handful of people we’ve kept in regular contact with over the last 18 months. But how did this happen? And are we better for it?
Lockdown provided the perfect opportunity for people to re-evaluate their relationships and figure out if some are worth keeping. Research by YouGov. found that many Britons have fewer friends compared to before the coronavirus pandemic, with a 18% saying their close friend group has shrunk in the past year. Two thirds (67%) of people aged 25 to 49 saying their friendships have suffered. While 3 in 10 feel that the past year has brought them closer to their friends.
Dr Natasha Bijlani, a consultant psychiatrist at Priory Hospital Roehampton, said: “The UK has had one of the most severe lockdowns and we have all been in enforced isolation, especially those who live alone. So friendships are really important because loneliness and isolation are such destructive agents.” But because of how important this facet of our lives was - it has given us time to see if those we had are serving us.
Dr Bijlani emphasised the importance of friendships as a “reciprocal arrangement”. “To be a friend, the person you are friends with has to be someone you know, someone you can trust, someone you actually like who is mutually supportive and sympathetic and empathetic to you.” And if that is not the case then the “culling” of friendships can be freeing and necessary.
Of course not all friendships are equal. Some exist on the fringes of your life or are more effort than they are worth, others may be toxic. In lockdown, you may have been reaching out to people individually rather than in a group, and some may have sat down and thought about which friendships they really want to keep.
Dr Bijlani compares it to tending a garden. “You do sometimes curate your friendships. It’s like getting rid of unwanted plants or branches...we’ve come to this realisation that life is short, we’ve heard about people losing loved ones, dying, becoming sick. At times like this, you sit and think about what your values are and the fact you have finite time.”
Then there’s the type of guilt that can be associated with friendships breaking down, there are two types: healthy and unhealthy. Healthy guilt is the kind you feel as a good and conscientious person, and is crucial to understanding the difference between right and wrong. Unhealthy guilt, on the other hand, is irrational, disproportionate and misplaced.
You must be realistic about what you can control. If friendships do break down, realise it is something that happens to everyone and that it’s okay. As for what happens when we take small uncertain steps towards normalcy, Dr Bijlani’s advice for anyone feeling anxious about socialising again is to take it slowly. Try and connect with the people you feel closest to, perhaps one at a time to start with if you are really prone to anxiety. As your confidence increases, then you can meet with more people, but keep to the friendship group you’ve curated for yourself. And be kind to yourself. Humans are adaptable but we do take time.
Extracts taken from Kate Ng from https://www.independent.co.uk