Toxic positivity. What is it?
Toxic positivity is the idea that we should hide or deny the negative feelings we encounter. It’s when we have a tendency to dismiss our true emotional responses that we consider to be negative or “bad”, through the application of reassuring phrases like “look on the bright side!” or “It could be a lot worse!”. This is often accompanied by the assumption that the negative emotions we feel are not useful or necessary.
Toxic positivity usually comes from a place of well-meaning (where we have a natural desire to want to ‘fix’ things), but can cause feelings of disconnect and shame – and can prevent us from processing important life events, and truly understanding our feelings. Although usually well-meaning, toxic positivity can be a kind of defence mechanism for people who feel discomfort sitting with their own (and others’) feelings – it can be used as a way to silence ‘uncomfortable’ conversations.
Toxic positivity is also unsustainable; when we consistently deny ourselves access to our authentic emotional experiences, the cracks will eventually show. It is effectively a way to tell ourselves, and others, that our feelings are only valid if they are perceived to be “good”. Whereas often, we need to navigate through the “bad” feelings to learn about ourselves, heal and process, and eventually reach the “good”. Sometimes (for example, with bereavement) we need to accept that what has happened is sad, and will always, when touched on, feel like a loss.
Although at first glance, toxic positivity may seem to have a ‘positive’ focus, it is actually a form of gaslighting (when someone causes you to question your own reality). When we apply toxic positivity (to ourselves, or others) we are denying the reality of our true feelings. When we encounter toxic positivity consistently, it can lead us to experience two conflicting forms of belief in our mind – our reality, and a skewed “reality” we have been presented with, leading to feelings of confusion and unease.
How to overcome toxic positivity
Learn to sit with the discomfort – coming to terms in understanding that sometimes you can’t ‘fix’ what’s going on in your life – or other people’s lives, and that sometimes the best thing you can do is to listen and show empathy. This could include reflecting back to a friend how hard their experience is and giving them space to process.
Be honest with yourself and others if you struggle with emotional stuff. Some of us struggle to find space for our own emotions and, therefore, find it emotionally draining when we encounter the emotional responses of others. Instead of trying to make their “bad” emotions disappear (to make yourself feel more comfortable), be honest that you find this hard, and that right now, you might not be the best person to go to for support.
Try to avoid statements and phrases that can contradict feelings and experiences, such as telling someone to “smile” when they feel low. Validate their feelings using phrases like “I can hear this has been really hard for you” and check in to see what the other person wants from the conversation. For example, “Do you want me to help you find a solution for this, or do you need space to process and be heard?”
If you are on the receiving end of toxic positivity, remember that boundaries are your friend. Be upfront with what you need from the person you’re approaching for support – if you need space to vent, manage their expectations by letting them know.
If you find that toxic positivity is a common response from someone in your life, it is worth considering that you may want something from the person you’re going to for support, that they just can’t give you. Choose your support network in line with your needs – sometimes that means understanding the limitations of those close to us.
There are no “bad” feelings
So remember, the reality is, that “living your best life” and “making the most of each day” might sometimes mean having days where you feel broken or tearful, where the weight of your lived experience feels like too much to carry – where you feel lost and alone, but where you are choosing to feel what that day has presented to you.
You are choosing to sit with whatever has surfaced, to tune into your reality, and to take the pressure off the need for every moment to be “positive”; because life is a mixture of our whole emotional spectrum – and to allow yourself to feel, is to live.
Examples of toxic positivity can sound like:
Telling a new parent to “Enjoy every moment!”
Deciding that people who do not discuss their emotions, or who appear positive are ‘better’, or ‘stronger’ than those who do.
Telling someone who has suffered a miscarriage: “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
Telling someone who is experiencing depression to “Get over it.”
Telling a survivor of trauma “I don’t understand why you choose to let this affect you? It happened in the past.”
Saying things like “There there, don’t cry”, or “smile” when someone is feeling down or distressed.
Masking or suppressing our own emotions so that we appear more positive.
Feeling guilt or shame in relation to our negative emotional responses.
Reprimanding or shaming others for expressing anything other than positivity, or for not ‘bouncing back’ quickly enough.
Extracts taken from Emma Faulkner from www.counselling-directory.org.uk